Unsexy At Any Speed

Episode 1: This morning I was walking to the donut shop for my daily Boston Cream and kick-off coffee of the day, dressed quite alluringly in several layers of winter garb and thinking about criminal procedure, when I heard beeping and a man’s voice. “Hey, hey,” yelled a guy who was sitting in the passenger seat of a blue van. Without saying anything, I gave him the finger. “Oh, thank you very much,” he responded.

Episode 2: No Hugs

This afternoon I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant in Astoria, eating my dinner, when a man entered carrying a plastic race car that played scratchy “music.” I looked up at him and, because I have this weird Tourette’s-like illness that causes me to uncontrollably make sarcastic comments to anyone who annoys me, said to the guy, “That’s annoying.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” he apologized. “Can I get a hug?
“No.” And with that abrupt shut-down, the guy left. When the door closed behind him, I turned to the guy one booth over and smiled. He laughed.

If Creep Valley High School existed, that guy with the car would be stuck in the remedial classes. He would have to go to the pre-9th grade summer program just to catch up to the rest of the student body, and THEN the school administration would place him in the program for low-end creeps.

Written by Lauri.

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